Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
