I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
