she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
