is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
