No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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