dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
