Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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