you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Everclear isn't food dammit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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