If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
