I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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