My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
