Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
