I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
