Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
