I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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