Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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