All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
