Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
