I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
