Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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