I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
