i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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