PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
