I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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