just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
