Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
