Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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