Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
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He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
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People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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