Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
