Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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