My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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