I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
