My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
