im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
