my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
