I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
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I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.