So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
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eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
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I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs