shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare