she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
