walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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