You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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