I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
