I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
