its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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