just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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