she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
