dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
