My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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