You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
