Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
