The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
