I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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