genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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