i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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