If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
