Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Come see our sink grown plant.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
should my penis look like a turkey
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
