my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
